I have to tell you, I feel like a contestant on American Idol, only the American Idol I am trying out for is not singing, but writing. I submit my work before the judges and they vote. I have had no 'yes' votes, all I have had is 'no' votes. I find myself wondering if I am the only one that thinks I can write. I think about those singers that go to perform at the very beginning of American Idol. Some of them are completely awful, yet they are convinced that they can sing. They always have a few family members and friends that insist that they can sing as well. After the judges tell them that they are awful, they rush through the doors, hysterical and crying, into the arms of the family and friends waiting for them. They still insist that they can sing and through the sobs and tear stained faces, they declare that the judges are just biased.
I find myself in my own American Idol hell. Can I really write, or am I one of those contestants that live in a fantasy world? Can I write, or am I just self convinced? I have some family members and friends that are convinced that I can write right along with me, but are they just being nice, so as not to hurt my feelings, or are they as completely diluted as I am? Am I diluted? Am I my biggest fan? Oh, how I wish someone could tell me the answers to the questions that swim in my mind day after day. The question of whether I am good enough to break into a world of book signings and excitement frenzied bookstores where the latest copy of my work is perched upon the shelf. The questions of how do I do this and where do I go from here. Am I good enough or am I just one of those horrible contestants that is convinced that I am good enough, even though I am not, and I never will be?
I want so badly to be a chosen one in my American Idol world. I think of the contestant that the judges said 'no' to that returns the next year and they send shivers up your spine and make your hair stand on end because they really can sing and they are incredible! How many times did they sing that song that sent them over the top in that year since their rejection? How many hours did they sit on their front porch humming that very song until they got it perfect? How many times did it take for them to know in their heart that they finally could sing that song and win the judges praise?
At least on American Idol, the singing version, the judges tell them what they may or may not be doing wrong and whether or not they stand a chance. The contestant gets a bit of feedback that they can take home with them and work with. In the American Idol hell that I am living, there is no feedback. I only get the rejection letter, no reasoning behind it, no words of advice that I could use to make my work better and perhaps convince the judges to give me a 'yes' vote. I only have the words in self help books to read and take advice from. I devour page after page in hopes of learning the secret to unlock the door to my future as a writer. I feast my eyes upon books with the titles that I think I may be able to use to gain an edge. After that, I still sit and ponder the thoughts of what I am going to write and how I am going to write the words to win the editors over. The query letter is the hook, and I constantly wonder how I can set it. What is it going to take? What do I have to do? Can I actually do it? I think about the words so much that I prevent myself from writing anything in fear that nothing I write will be good enough. I often ask, "Why does this have to be so hard? Couldn't it be easier? Am I making it harder than it actually is?"
Nothing is coming to me. Nothing is presenting itself to me. I want so badly to write the best query letter imaginable, but nothing I write is that hook, that undeniably great piece that is going to send me over the edge. Maybe I am just over analyzing it. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it so hard. Maybe I just need to sit down in front of the computer and begin typing again and see what juices flow. Maybe?
One thing I do know is that I can't give up. Still now, I feel as if I am supposed to write that query letter and send it out to the next publisher on my list. I still feel as if the books I am writing are going to interest children and they are going to want to sit with my books and read them cover to cover in one afternoon. I hope that there are others that agree, not just to be kind, but because they see something in my work that is unique and worth everything I am going through to get it published. These are a few of my thoughts today. I know that there is a lot of negativity here, but it comes with the territory. I try so hard to remain positive, but at the end of the day, I am still here with a manuscript in my hand and one more almost near completion and no judge has voted 'yes' yet. To be perfectly honest, I am a little frustrated. Hopefully, I won't be feeling quite so defeated tomorrow.
