In the year 2001, I gave birth to our first son, Brinson Dee Cozzens. I was on maternity leave from an excellent job, a job that I loved, but not my dream job. Something had been gnawing at me during all the years I had worked up to this point. I was supposed to be doing something that I was not doing. I kept searching it out. I would search for it in every new job I took, hoping to get that fulfilled feeling from the job at hand and where I was in my life at that point. The taming of the lion inside of me still had not come. While on maternity leave from this good job, I got a call from a business that wanted to hire me to be their administrative assistant. I was scared to take on this new prospect, as I was very comfortable in the job I had. Still I had to do it, I had to take a chance, What did I have to lose? I knew nothing about the business and had no clue what the job entailed, but I didn't let this stop me. I had a job, it wasn't as if I NEEDED to move on. I went to the interview, I was not nervous, or shaky, or scared, for you see, I had a job and I was not necessarily looking for a new one. I went into the office of the administrator of this business and sat down in the seat across from him. I answered his questions showing no fear and was myself. I don't sugar coat ME very well, I don't see the point. Anyway, I continued the interview and to the dismay of the administrator, I was not scared or nervous. He asked me several times why I wasn't, I told him that I didn't feel I had a reason to be. That was the first day of my new career, what turned out to be my dream job.
I began my dream job, loving it and the people I worked for. I continued to work diligently day after day at the job I absolutely loved. I enjoyed going to work everyday. I enjoyed the people and the satisfaction I got from doing the work. I enjoyed making the people that I worked for happy. This in itself brought me much happiness. During that time I still felt as if there was something I was supposed to be doing that I was not doing. I felt a void in my life, like God wanted me to do something else, not entirely, but something else just the same. I set aside the thoughts of doing that something else that I felt I was meant to do. I kept at the job at hand trying to find the satisfaction I needed to stop thinking of the something else I was supposed to be doing. That something else still tugged at my insides like a nagging feeling of restlessness whenever I found myself alone and able to daydream a little, but I tried to shrug it off. It never went away. I still knew that I needed to do that something else, not knowing exactly what that something else was.
I continued to work at my dream job for 8 more years, working all the way up to being the director myself. I loved it, every single day, I loved it. I was doing something that meant something, even if it wasn't that something else that still tugged at me. I felt that I was doing something important and real for the people that I worked for. I felt that I could put all of my effort and hard work into making something better. I felt that I was doing something worthwhile. At 8 years, almost to the day, my dream job ended. I was no longer able to do the job I had come to love. I no longer could do the only real thing I had ever known. I was set free from my dream job on June 15, 2009.
That day marked the beginning of a very hard time for me. I cry still to this day over what I could have done, or what I should have done, or if only I had done. The end of these sentences I will keep to myself, as they only mean something to me. What I do know now, almost a year later, is that I did the right thing and anything else would have been against everything I stand for as a person. I believe myself to be ethical and I tell the truth and anything else would have gone against everything I am. In the end, I know I did the right thing. I know in my heart that it was not me, it was them. This has brought me some comfort over the past year, but I still find sadness once in a while and I still dream horrible dreams at night sometimes, sitting in front of a bunch of suits as they tell me that I just wasn't meant for the job, that I just wasn't good enough. Those dreams are getting less now and I find myself still happy and upbeat for the most part. I still sit here without a job or a career in what I deem the worst times the United States has seen since the Great Depression, but I am still me and depression and heartache haven't won the battle. I get up, I get dressed, and I do something with my days. I have never let the darkness take control of my life.
Since I was a little girl, I have wanted to write. I have written poems and short stories over the years, but never anything very serious. On June 23, 2009, I began to write a story. It was meant to be just a story to read to my little boys before bed at night. Soon, I found myself consumed with putting words to paper and making sense out of the things I was writing. I needed to write, and write, and write. I rose at 7:00 a.m. each morning to get my boys up and off to school. I would kiss them good bye and kiss my husband good bye and they would vanish out the back door to meet their day head on. The minute they were out of the house, I would sit down in front of the computer and begin where I had left off the day before. I would write and write. I would go to bed at night only to find myself thinking about the story that was consuming my mind. I would lay awake and think of ways that I could make it better. I would rise again in the middle of the night to find my way to the computer in the dark and I would sit down and write until the early hours of the morning. I created a wonderful make believe world where beasts lived in harmony with the earth. The story is based on two little boys that find this world of course, what else could the story be based on?
I continued to write and soon I had a book. It was 79,000 words long and it was incredible! It brought so much satisfaction to me. I spent a couple more months tweaking it and making it better. I self edited it about 30 times. I had others read it and give me advice. I began reading it to my boys and they always wanted to hear more when I had completed a chapter. I would have to argue with them that we would read more tomorrow, but it was bedtime for now. This went on until I finished reading the book to them, they LOVED it. You know what else? That nagging feeling that I was supposed to be doing something else finally went away. I finally felt that I had peace in my life. I found what was missing all those years and I finally had tamed the lion. My insides were at rest and I had found that something else that I was intended to do. Every time I turned around I would see a sign, a passage in a book, a scene in a movie. Everything in my life was telling me to write this story. I went to the eye doctor the day after I got fired from my job, June 16, 2009. I picked up the Reader's Digest and the cover looked like this...
I completed my first book officially on September 22, 2009. After I completed the book, I decided to see if I could get it published. I worked on it here and there and I wrote a query letter and a synopsis, all the things you are supposed to do to be able to submit a manuscript. It was hard work, much harder than writing the manuscript itself. I kept at it, perfecting it, re-writing it. I finally had a query letter and a synopsis that I felt were worthy of sending out to the publishers. I found Arthur A. Levine Books. This became my first goal, to send it out to them. I finally got the nerve and sent the manuscript out to them. A couple months later, I received the rejection letter. This dashed my hopes for a little while. I knew that it was destined to happen, no one gets published right out of the gate, but I had high hopes for myself. I wanted it to be. At this stage, I had already began writing my second book. I was well into it, but now I was unsure. I had doubts, what if I never get published? What am I doing? If I can't get published, then why am I doing this? I have yet to finish the second book. I know exactly what happens and I only have a couple more chapters to go and I will finish, but I need to do it when I am ready to carry on.
Since Arthur A. Levine books, I have found 2 more publishers. I sent it out to one, only to find out that they are a POD, or Print on Demand. This is not what I want for my book. I want a traditional publisher, one that prints it and markets it and pushes it. After strike 2, I found the 2010 edition of the Writer's Market. I began researching the pages to find the perfect publisher, one that would do the things that I needed it to do. I found Black Rose Writing. I submitted my manuscript online to them and got a response. They wanted to read the whole manuscript! I was so excited! I called all of my friends, I jumped up and down in my living room for an hour! I was ecstatic! Then I went online and began a little research of this publishing company. I found some things that I didn't necessarily like. I won't go into the details, as I believe that they would be a good company if they are what you are interested in. As I have said before, I want a traditional publisher that will take my book and provide great illustrations and market it. My hopes were dashed once again.
I began to research online more. I found the 2010 Children's Writer's and Illustrator's Market. I ordered it and when I got it, I began another search, a little more carefully this time. I found Farrar, Straus & Giroux, Inc. tucked away in the pages. I submitted my manuscript to them on April 6, 2010. They respond in three months. This brings me to here, now, today. I am still waiting to hear from this company, but I have my fingers crossed. I will not give up until I have exhausted every single avenue that I go down. Every time I hit a brick wall, I seem to find my way around it. I still get signs that this is what I was intended to do, so I am not giving up. I will continue to write the second book and I will continue to look for the publisher that is right for me. I will continue this and I will take you all along with me, if you are willing to go. One day, you may just be able to say, "I knew her before she was famous!"
